Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
