Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
