I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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