There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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