yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
