Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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