Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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