I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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