i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
