My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
