The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
