yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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