He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
