i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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