Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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