remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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