I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
