How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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