I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
