"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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