dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
