I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Did I show you my penis last night?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
