Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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