Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
