Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
