But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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