we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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