He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I want her autograph on my taint
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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