Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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