I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
