dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
