literally had 100 drinks last night.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
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