You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
