i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
