I feel great
I just peed on a car
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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