I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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