I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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