i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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