It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
