It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
