I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
