Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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