You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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