My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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