Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
