saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
