the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
