Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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