He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
