Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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